SOFC .org.uk

Free The Cobden One

2009-09-04T13:13:00.003+01:00

Once again I am livid with the unbelievable ineptitude of NCP and parking restrictions in Worthing. My email below tells the story. Should I end up in Strangeways please send me a cake with a nail file secreted away for Martyr is not taking this one lightly.

Challenge of Penalty Charge Notice WU1497890 (Car Registration T530AFG)

I refer to the penalty charge notice issued this morning at 10:55hrs on my car parked legally in Cobden Road Worthing.

My car was clearly displaying a visitors permit put into the car not twenty minutes previously. My neighbour questioned the officer at the time saying the permit was clearly visible but she insisted that she was unable to see the ticket as it was obscured by less than 10mm by trim on the windscreen. Both the date and hour of the ticket was clearly visible and the minutes could be, with a modicum of effort, on her part, also have been seen.

I have absolutely no intention of paying this ludicrous fine and urge you to ensure your officers learn some common sense in their duties.

Should you decide not to overturn this fine I shall demand a magistrates hearing to bring to light publically such a ridiculous situation.

Your early response to this matter is requested.

Yours faithfully,

The Sister Martyr DL

And also to our wonderful Borough Councillors:-

Dear Councillors,

I have today sent the attached email to NCP concerning a parking fine issued to me this morning for a most ridiculous reason. This is not the first time I have had to spend time appealing such nonsense to NCP and it is becoming both tiring and extremely irritating. I think it is only fair to advise you of this situation as so many of my neighbours are equally irritated at the apparent lack of common sense and jobs-worth attitude of many of the officers employed by NCP. If this was an isolated incident then perhaps I wouldn’t feel so angry today but as a publican I hear these stories almost daily from my regular customers, most of whom live in the immediate vicinity.

As you will see from my email, I have no intention of paying this fine and will if necessary insist on a magistrates hearing so that such an unfair and completely insane situation is brought to light. I would rather spend time at Her Majesty’s pleasure than give in to this inept company that Worthing Borough Council has deemed to find fit for the purpose.

(The car actually belongs to my mother who has loaned it to me pro tem).

Please bring this matter to the attention of the appropriate committee.

Yours sincerely

The Sister Martyr DL

IHQ go the extra mile!!!

2008-05-12T00:43:00.003+01:00

It is unusal for me to write on a personal or even sober note but today, I must draw your Sisterly attention to www.justgiving.com/andiehope.

My family and I can not thank you enough for your support, encouragement and kind deeds in respect of our Andie's crusade to get her gold certificate from the British Heart Foundation. With your fabulous fraternal generousity not only will she be honoured with same but we have exceeded all fund raising expectations.

Words cannot express our thanks to all who have contributed to this worthy cause and in partricular to the JACK HORNER public house - the one and only INTERNATIONAL HEADQUARTERS.

You've got your gold Andie - as if there was any doubt!!!

(Still time to donate via www.justgiving.com/andiehope)

God Bless & Thank you all so Very, Very Much

Martyr xx

All Sisters Bulletin

2008-05-07T20:31:00.003+01:00

Grateful thanks to you all for your kindness and good wishes following the death of my Blood Sister-in-law. Known by all of you as a fellow of this splendid order she will be sadly missed by us all.

In her memory International Headquarters are hosting a charity karaoke on Saturday 10th May. Funds raised will go to the British Heart Foundation via www.justgiving.com/andiehope. You can follow the above link to see how fund raised in her name are already accumulating steadily.

Thanks especially to Nick and Staff at the Jack Horner

Martyr xx

And so to pastures new..........

2008-01-02T10:21:00.000Z

Ok so it has taken the best part of two years, a wheelbarrow load of cash and a few fisticuffs along the way but finally, the Sister Martyr is pleased to announce that she will shortly be taking up residence at her new public house in Worthing.

This does mean, of course, that I will be once again tied to long hours of work and little play but the relief to be finally doing once again what comes naturally, (at least to me), warms my heart (and hopefully my empty pockets).

Obviously Sisters of all ranks and classes will receive the warmest of welcomes should they grace us with the honour of a visit.

Clearly the impact on my life will be such that my attendance at IHQ and other Fraternal gatherings will be somewhat lacking but I hope to be able to keep in touch in one form or another along the way. In any case I think over the past week we have shared sufficient falling down water together to assure ourselves a place in a renal dialysis unit sometime in the future so a rest from such endeavours will now do me the power of good.

My loyal toast to you all ………..“Long Live the Fraternity and Bugger Bognor”

A letter from Martyr

2007-10-10T14:58:00.000+01:00

Dear ????,

Thanks for your very late reply to my request for progress.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that you are clearly inept, or at least your firm appears to be, these parts have all since been superseded due to the vast delay in your response.
Frankly, I need to update progress on around 125 of your aerospace parts but I know through bitter experience that it is most unlikely that I will ever get a truthful, or at least accurate answer to any of my queries. It is probable that by the time any response was furnished I would either be suffering Alzheimer's disease or would have thrown myself in the River Adur which by good fortune runs just a few hundred yards from my office window.

I can't thank you enough for making my job such a joy this last few months. Our regular telephone conversations have done so little to cheer my days and I have lost count of the number of times you have promised faithfully to 'call me right back with an answer'. Oh, how I waited for those calls - how I longed to hear your voice - how I willed my voicemail to be full of your excuses. But nay, never was such a call returned, always those promises broken.

Always my love of our telephonic liaisons led me to call you again, and again, and again. Your answer always the same.

So with broken heart and having lost the will to live, (at least in the aerospace industry), it is time for me to bid farewell to you and your stinking Company. For I am to bound to move to a more sophisticated environment where my customers are but drunks and from whom I pledge to remove their hard earned cash diligently and with an easy conscience.

How I shall miss our correspondence and carefree conversations, please feel free to drop by anytime, I would be so happy to provide to you the same level of service I have come to expect from your own firm.

Yours with knobs on

Martyr

Sisterly Assault

2007-09-10T15:56:00.000+01:00

As weekends go ......................

For once, a serious note. Sisters of our most Venerable Order were set upon on the night of Saturday last by a complete stranger and without the slightest provocation. The incident occurred whilst leaving our IHQ and heading to the Convent of Our Lady of Emu for a swift nightcap before returing to our various latties. It just goes to show how careful we Happy Homies need to be.

The Moronic Thug in question is completely unknown to us but was seen earlier in the evening at the bar of the Jack Horner. Sadly, The Sister Emu and my fabulous self were brtually attacked and sustained something of injuries to our most precious persons. Unfortunately the incident occurred so rapidly and without warning it gave this Sister little time to Change into SuperSis and thus give the thug a touch of his own medicine.

Still, there is always much good to come from the bad and our Sisters enjoyed with us a most pleasant night in Worthing A&E (soon to be closed we hear), before we could all go home and lick our wounds.

Be warned Sisters you never know when these things will happen.

BE WARNED THUG-U-LIKE, MARTYR IS ON THE CASE AND WILL NOT REST UNTIL JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED.

Seriously though - thanks to all the Sisters who have offered their support over the last couple of days. You are all fabulous!!

Endless Love

2007-07-03T21:50:00.000+01:00

So Much For Carbon Emissions........

2007-06-26T19:13:00.000+01:00

Have you ever said something and immediately regretted it? I have, more than once, but today's example had me more red-faced than I have been in a long while.

Adam is a nice young man, pleasant to talk to and a colleague of mine at my present employ. So..... when I saw him this evening, struggling against wind and rain and heading up the road as I jumped into the relative shelter of the fraternal Peugeot, my kindness overruled my keenness to get home and I offered a lift.

Eagerly accepted, Adam jumped into the carriage and then, for the first time, it hit me. You see dear, sweet Adam has a personal hygiene problem. Rancid BO.

He then went on to explain that he was so grateful for the lift as he was heading off to his second job at a local supermarket. And it was then that I made the guff of the year for I simply replied in my Martyrlike way

"So don't they sell deodorant there then?"

As soon as I said it I felt every degree of heat transfer to my face and neck and just wanted to die of a massive heart attack there and on the spot.

He didn't say much thereafter but thanked me kindly for the lift and wished me a good evening.

Just goes to show, I hadn't touched a drop either - I've always said honesty should rule and I stalwartly follow the rigorous articles and memorandums of our order but I truly put my foot in it tonight.

And I have to work with him again tomorrow .......sh1t.

Triathlon of Technology

2007-06-05T21:45:00.000+01:00

What a pain in the bum 'Blogger' has become recently. I have tried over the last couple of days to update our Sisterly pages and have been unable to log in without attempting to change passwords and sign-in names on numerous occasion. Not being one to give-in however, here I am again! And not before time I hear you all groan.

Two important news items for the Sisters this evening:

1) Many congratulations are recorded to the Sister Piercings on her recent success in the Triathlon. An excellent time (and she still managed to get to IHQ following on the same day and stand at the bar all night squaffing). I was concerned that she might be weighted down by all the additional iron-mongery she adorns herself with but nay I was proved wrong. Well done - most of the Sisters couldn't run a bath - and a few should try!!

(Incidentally if your best friend won't tell you that you stink you can rely on a Sister to let you know).

2) Hot off the Press, it appears that HRH the Mother Superior of Ming DL will be landing in the UK at some point on Sunday next. A warning therefore to our esteemed Landlord to get some extra ale in.

----------news flash ends -------

On the PIs again

2007-05-26T18:51:00.001+01:00

Well, having survived a weekend with the family in gay old Brussells and imbibed at length to sample the many pleasing beers on offer, I finally recovered from the ordeal after giving my liver a well deserved rest of 3 whole days!

Naturally I took nothing but water and green tea during this detoxification and ate only organic produce and fat reduced yoghurt. Did I feel better? I felt bloody dreadful actually.

So it was no miracle when I foolishly decided to jump off the wagon and head to International Headquarters for several pints of England's finest last evening. Now I must say I hadn't intended to go but I was led astray on receiving a text message from Companion Sisters Twickers & Emu* who obviously longed for my company. Forcing me out of IHQ at closing time, I was then foolishly convinced to head to the aforementioned sisters' lodgings where a bottle of vino was opened and consumed with gusto.

It is no surprise therefore that this morning I awoke with a head like the inside of a kettle drum and a mouth like a lesbian's left armpit. It has taken me most of the day to recover and all my detoxing of last week has been relegated to irrelevance.

I'm heading back to IHQ later in order to prescribe myself with a hair-of-the-dog and no doubt aid my recovery significantly.

* Investiture to follow - watch this space

A Message from the Easter Bunny

2007-04-08T11:39:00.000+01:00

Easter bunnies aside, I love this time of year. For starters Easter signals the end of lent so we can all pick up our bad habits where we left them some weeks ago.

While daffodils flourish in the woods and children of the world unite in the search of chocolate eggs, sisters worldwide throw aside their inhibitions and cast away all restraint. At least that is what I'd planned -for last night I found myself sitting on the bed of a somewhat strange hommie drinking 'draught' guinness from a can (cod). A nastier duvet cover I'd seldom seen, so making my excuses, (well in actual fact he threw me out), I left unmolested and in need of my bed.

Having arrived much earlier in the evening at IHQ on my push-bike, for some reason I walked home leaving said instrument of transport chained up in downtown Worthing. So, I woke this morning feeling a tad over-hung but at least was in my own bed with no wayward stranger to move on before Mother pops in for luncheon.

Going for a world record, I have spent the last four nights propping the bar at IHQ and probably will aim for five consecutive before I book myself in to Betty Fords for a compete overhaul and rebore.

Fraternal greetings to you all on this extended weekend of Eastertide.

Martyr Mortified - The Confessional

2007-03-12T11:49:00.000Z

Bless me Sisters for I have sinned. It has been three months since my last confession and three years since my last shag.

Inspite of many attempts to disprove the fact, I am reliably informed that I succumbed to carnal desires on the evening of March 3rd in the year of the Fraternity 2007.

There was, of course, a total lunar eclipse on said occasion so I can only offer as an excuse a satanic desire to intercourse freely as a direct result of this happening.

Rumours have it that I, (a Sister of upright morals and fraternal fibre), interlocked lips of desire with the hommie concerned in full view of the entire ensemble at IHQ. This I vehemently deny but alas it will do me no good.

I cannot blame the hommie for being so besotted with me. Clearly he has exceptionally good taste and as MSofM kindly advised ...... A Little of What You Fancy Does You Good. So, never one not to heed our Irreverend Mother's advice I plead...................GUILTY AS CHARGED.

Anyhoo after speaking to a very nice man at NASA and explaining my concerns for my sexual lustings during such events, I have discovered that the next total lunar eclipse will be on August 28th this year! And further joys we can expect partial solar eclipses on 19th March and 11th September. (This could be my lucky year).

I will take my penance like a man!

Just The Two of US

2007-01-07T13:15:00.000Z

What a monumental load of CRAP. I cannot believe that the British Broadcasting Corporation have found fit to use our TV licence money to produce this talentless and inane programme.

I am deeply embarrassed to admit that I have suffered one or two episodes but then a Sister of limited means and with an hour's walk to IHQ finds it necessary on occasion to stay put in convent and avoid the inclement weather.

A handful of 'celebrities', (most of whom the Sister Martyr has never had the pleasure), have each been paired with a professional, (has-been), singer and daily blast our eardrums with unmelodic harmony. I have heard better karaoke at International Headquarters and believe me THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING!

Who the hell Vernon Kay and Tess Daly think they are kidding I'm am not sure. Surely it cannot just be me who can tell the difference between flat (b) and sharp (#) and vocal talent and acute laryngitis. I have never heard so much rubbish. And as for the professionals, well perhaps they are all as hard up as this Sister and need the extra cash - frankly some of their performances have left much to be desired.

And then, of course, there is Sarah Brightman possibly one of the greatest sopranos this country has ever produced. What in God's name is she thinking! I always thought she was a bit odd but if there is a God then she'll be working at the checkout at Sainsbury's by the end of the year.

It's all a joke yeah? I am clearly missing something.

Words of Wisdom

2006-12-31T11:50:00.000Z

New Years Words of Wisdom from the Sister Youth:

Don't forget your 5 6 a day...

2006-12-16T09:10:00.000Z

The Top 10 Ways Clever Sluts 'N Ho's Stay Alive...

Quiz...

2006-12-13T18:28:00.000Z

And which certain two Sisters does this remind you of?

Post Card From Gran Canaria

2006-12-07T10:03:00.000Z

Well it seems that the Sisters are enjoying a December of International excursions albeit in their separate directions. I gather that the Sister Youth is currently in Copenhagen and MSofM is off on her trips again starting point at Glasgow bonnie Scotland.

Meanwhile this Sister complete with a slightly sunburned back is in Gran Canaria and enjoying sun, sea and imbibation at great proportion. So far, I am glad to report that I have caused no International Incidents and have met up with a few Brits with whom I share a common goal - to remain upright for as long as is reasonably necessary.

I have had to fend off one or two German Sisters intent on getting into my knickers but fortunately I remembered to pack my chastity belt and so far have kept the key securely hidden.

So I am off today to lay on the beach with Julian Clary´s "A Young Man´s Passage" and try not to overstretch myself.

With much love to the remaining Sisters in the good ole UK - I do hope you are all enjoying the rain and high winds!

xx

Martyr Maimed

2006-11-21T20:17:00.000Z

One could argue that alcohol may have had some inference in the episode but this, of course, is denied profusely. It was merely a litter of autumnal leaves together with a late evening dew that scorned the Martyr on her way home to convent on Saturday last.

Alas, losing footing and falling flat on her back across a wall of great ornament, the suffering of this Sister became, all at once, apparent. A nice little shiner glistened through an oozing wound above the right eye and an almighty pain in the back struck the Martyr like a thunderbolt of agony through every nerve in her body.

Nevertheless, being a Sister of great substance the pain was endured and journey was continued to the convent whereupon a copious splashing of unholy water on aching wounds preceeded retiring for a restless night's sleep.

So several hours later, having spent most of Sunday morning at the local A&E department and received the generous diagnosis of several fractured ribs, the Martyr returned to the convent at Upper Sompting where, to this good hour, she continues to writhe in the agonies of her predicament and drifts on the tide of analgesics and blended scotch whisky.

And the moral of this story..................

He who laughs loudest --------- Gives himself severe pain in the ribcage!

The Sister Youth manifests in Copenhagen

2006-10-22T16:59:00.000+01:00

So in a moment of wisdom (and to get out of this cold, dank, boring scandinavian town in the middle of nowhere with its lack of ale-houses), the Sister Youth decides to board a cross-country train, and check out the bustling metropolis that is downtown København.

And what an intriguing visit that turned out to be; with street-performers, pumpkins, Germans and ale-houses a-plenty. A tour around the city, passing such delights as the town-hall, cathedral, Madame Tussauds and Tivoli as well as a trip through the rather large shopping centre finished up in a bar (it would have been silly not too - even though it was Irish) where the local beverage of choice, a Royal Classic, was scooped in great quantity satisfying even the great thirst of our most noble Mother Superior.

Live music was played late into the night, when on the advice of our well-travelled aforementioned MSoM, a trip to a more sisterly establishment took place.

The establishment, a 'Pan Club' (http://www.pan-cph.dk/), began to get busy at approximatly 01:00, where this Sister continued imbibing with a vengeance.
The tipple of choice this time; a 330ml bottle of Carlsberg at the very reasonable price of around £4.80 a go ensured that it wasn't only this Sister's head that began to get light. Not even our well-established IHQ would command such a fee.

Needless to say, it wasn't long before this Sister became aquainted with a young English gentleman of the Northern persuasion, holidaying here in Denmark. However, due to her razor-sharp instincts, and prior experiences in these matters, this Sister decided it best to ditch the bitch and head back to her hotel alone - at the respectable hour of 06:30. Sister Martyr would be proud. Though MSoM may not be.

Sadly, the return trip to the Jutland region was not quite so pleasent, sat in a train with screaming children. The parent of one of these deciding that rather than discipline her offspring, lifted it off it's seat and walked it to the opposite seats on the train sitting it squarely next to the Sister Youth.

Who needless to say, with a heavy head was not impressed.

Still, we have this fine Sunday evening to recover from this excursion before being back at the fraternal grindstone early in the 'morn.

With a bit of luck, this Sister will return to all that is the UK on Wednesday, where she looks forward to catching up with fellow Sisters at our International Headquarters for scooping and gossip purposes.

Ming & Martyr Manifest In Manchester

2006-07-12T16:31:00.000+01:00

So with a more-than-adequate supply of beer and a stunning flat of smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwiches, the two of us jumped upon the train on our journey to the hidden depths of Manchester.

Oh what a weekend we had. The human liver, being an organ of incredible skill, coped wonderfully as we pushed it to it's boundaries and sampled, in great number, pints from as little as £2.10 a go. Obviously, as our other sisters were unable to be with us on this occasion it was our determined duty to have their share also.

The weekend passed almost without International Incidents but one Railway Worker may remember Ming's words of wisdom when he refused to let us on the return train at Brighton. Needless to say this resulted in a further hours delay to our journey that was passed in the nearest pub (well it would have been rude not to).

Being a most friendly bunch of people, (the Manchester folk), we found ourselves often in conversation with total strangers. On one such occasion it is true a Palone of Northern origin did threaten to punch MSofM on the nose but all in good fun. (I think).

A couple of pints (well about six actually), were consumed Saturday lunchtime before setting off to downtown Manchester to join our friend Sara for her partay. I vaguely remember dancing round handbags on Saturday night and giving the cold shoulder to a very nice man who was keen to learn where we were staying. What was I thinking ............D'Oh.

Oh well we had a ball and were only sorry our Sisters were not with us. On the other hand it was the nearest I've been to a Shag for a long while and you'd have only cramped my style. Next time, next time ............

Martyr x

Words of Wisdom

2006-07-07T23:22:00.000+01:00

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Happy Summer Solstice

2006-06-21T12:35:00.000+01:00

For some little while now I have doubted the state of the mental health of some of our Sisters. So today it was no surprise that I joined the Lord Slapper of Wick and our venerable Mother Superior of Ming at the hour of 5am on the sand dunes of Littlehampton to experience, at first hand, the summer soltice and to give Pagan thanks for the first anniversary of the union of Companion Sisters Keith & Richard of Downtown LA. (MSofMing making it by the skin of her teeth and as close to a cleaning as she is ever likely to get)!

The wind blew strongly as we struggled to hear the High Priestess address the assembled throng. Whilst some guests came prepared with a glass or two of bubbly others turned up their collars against the bracing winds. It may not yet have been six-of-the-morning but there were certain companions who were evidently taking great pleasure in their refreshment. (Very Sisterly I hear you say).

Complete madness or just another Sisterly duty? I guess you do have to be mad to get up at four in the morning and drive half way across a county to stand on a beach. Even the fraternal canine, (who joined us), was a little slow in jumping in the car first thing but she seemed to enjoy the fuss when she arrived.

I was a little disappointed that there were no nubile young men dancing naked in the sand dunes with ribbons in their hair but then again it was a bit on the chilly side. Still all said and done it was a different way to start the day. (I must do it again sometime..........).

May the blessings of the Fraternity be upon the wedded couple and our good wishes be extended on their first year together.

Sister Youth's Words of Wisdom

2006-06-16T19:09:00.000+01:00

"Sex is like snow. You never know when you're going to get it. You never know how many inches - nor how long it will last..."

With a Spring in My Step

2006-05-11T11:57:00.000+01:00

You see, the thing about being deliberately unemployed is the fact that you can sit back and enjoy it. After all it is not like I’m sponging off the State or anything. Beer ticket supply is purely from the Bank of Piggy and I am fortunate that said swine has enough for a few more weeks. Boring perhaps but as Sisters the world over are slogging away at their desks or sweating over their assembly lines, (mustn’t forget those blue collar sisters), I have been walking the South Down Way and enjoying the wild spring flowers and chorus of birdsong. (Gay or what)?

Oh how my heart leaps with every new spring flower…………….

Anyhow having exhausted the gardening possibilities for today and not wishing to retire to the Ale House too early, I am shortly to return some property, (anonymously), to the Bognorian ::spit::. I decided that my best bet is to chuck same over his front gate and disappear into the ether before I am spotted in that arm pit of Sussex West - Bognor Regis ::spit::

Now you could well ask why in the world I would make such an effort and risk tropical diseases and suchlike in returning these items. After all, Sisters know only too well that I have absolutely no respect for the man and his name was unceremoniously removed from the role of our most venerable and distinguished Order but I cannot bring myself to dispose of items that may be useful to the Bastard. Clearly I am a very lovely person! Not a nasty bone in my body!

In other news, I am pleased to say that my plans for self-employment are slowly gaining momentum and Sisters may yet be able to visit me in a ‘bar near you’ before the Spring is out. Obviously I will keep you posted as things progress.

In the meanwhile Sisters, do try to enjoy the Spring.

Yours affectionately

Martyr x x

Wedding Belles

2006-04-08T14:43:00.001+01:00

It was with great honour that I had the occasion to witness, Tuesday last, the Civil Partnership ceremony of our Sisters the Lord & Lady Slapper of Wick. The ceremony, held at Arundel Town Hall Chambers, began to a most elegant ensemble of music played by a solo harpist of the female persuasion. This light classical air gave a most pleasent influence to the proceedings.

As the ceremony began, the happy couple waltzed into the chambers dressed in matching pin-stripes and tails and with broad smiles evident on their ecafs. The exchange of vows was exciting as each in turn promised to be FAITHFUL TO ONE ANOTHER FOREVER ! Stunned glances of shock were exchanged between guests at said point and it was all this Martyr could do not to lol.

Following a photographic opportunity on adjoining decking and overlooking the splendor of Arundel Castle, guests and the newly weds retired to the Dolphin Public House at Littlehampton where a stunning reception was held.

Following speeches by the Happy Couple guests tucked into an excellent buffet and toasted the couple on anything they could lay their hands on.

Now I must confess I am not normally a fan of the whole wedding ritual but this most enjoyable occasion may have changed my mind and I am sure Sisters worldwide will join with me in wishing the happy couple many loving years together. And may the grace of the Fraternity ever be at their sides.

Calling All Sisters

2006-03-03T09:36:00.000Z

A' hoy there Sisters. I am sitting on the waterfront at Cape Town supping a pint or two of South Africa's finest and in the company of our newest Sister - Sister Scent. We send our warmest greetings as have yet to sail given the ship is still poorly in dry-dock.

I shall, of course, return to Blighty in middle April and look forward to seeing you all then.

Your (Dis)Obedient Mother

Ming x

(Dictated via satelite and typed by MSofM's stunning secretary)

Still hope for the Sisters

2006-02-24T18:15:00.000Z

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

From here
Picture from here

Advice for the determined batchelor or happy homo

2006-02-03T12:06:00.000Z

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A Week in the Life of a Martyr

2006-01-21T09:57:00.000Z

Not satisfied with an already overbearing workload for this Sister in her employed status and in spite of the fact that I am working notice and trying, (with little success), to acquire a small business, the Good Lord obviously has it in for me!

In the last five days I have had to hear two disciplinary hearings, work towards a redundancy package for five very unhappy staff, have had the misfortune of being threatened by the father of one of my less intelligent and clearly gutless staff and travel the county in order to try and save the cows job.

Clearly, Daddy has never had the honour of meeting Martyr. Still I acted with the utmost professionalism and after briefly telling him his fortune replaced the telephone receiver. A complaint, (unsubstantiated),followed, the first in my career, but I am delighted to say was thrown out as the conversation had been overheard by several others. What a silly man - what makes things worse his daughter is far from a child and has become the laughing stock of the entire organisation. Well done Daddy.

To make matters worse my business plans are intolerably slow-moving and I even had to visit the Fraternal GP for what turns out to be an unsightly wart on my fore.....arm. (Sorry girls nothing to goss about there).

So you can imagine how my thirst lusted for a pint or two of England's finest last evening. Sadly, I could hardly do them justice as I struggled with our Abbess to sink six or so but then had to retire early BEFORE CLOSING! My coa-coa supplies absent, I fell into bed and slept like a baby for the first time this year. What a wonderful morning. I wonder which bastard is going to try and ruin it!

Yours with a spring in my step

Martyr x

Mother Superior's Address to the Nation

2005-12-29T10:33:00.000Z

My heartfelt greetings and best wishes for a prosperous New Year to all Sisters old, new and yet to come.

It has been a year of great excitement in the Sisterhood and I have had the pleasure of representing you all at many beer-selling establishments in the United Kingdom and beyond. I have endured my responsibility as your Superior with great determination and sacrificed myself willingly in obeyance of our stringent Articles of (Dis)Association.

During the year I was pleased to sanction the marriage of The Sister Bedsheets DL and The Sister Dimples CS. Both looked fine and dandy in their wedding attire as they exchanged vows of solemnity and disobiedience. Our good wishes for a long and happy union are abundant.

I have great delight in making the following promotion within the Order as part of my New Years Honours list (full details of the list to be published later):-

The Sister Dimples ---- Elevated to Sister of Substance (with fig leaves) (SS)

The investiture of Sister Dimples shall take place on New Years Eve at our International Headquarters.(More ring kissing).

Finally, I do hope to share myself with many of you over the forthcoming year and I look forward to many outings of imbibation during 2006.

Long Live the Fraternity ............... and Bugger Bognor!

The Venerable Mother Superior of Ming DL

2005-12-10T18:36:00.000Z

2005-11-30T16:54:00.000Z

So this Sister, after a long and exhausting drive back from Manchester (where she was carrying out her fraternal duties), decides that a swift can of the finest British lager was in order before retiring...

A quick check within the Convent revealed no such beverage was available, and the hour being past ten confirmed that no such alcoholic product would be available for sale within the village.

A trip to the village of Barnham held no joys either - the over-enthusiastic shop attendent deciding that this Sister was clearly under the age of 18 - and refusing her service!!!
And matters worse, there was certainly not the time to return to collect some form of documental proof that the Sister Youth, whilst looking clearly youthful and stunning to her name, was just a very (very) slight tad over the age of minority.

"Sorry, you don't look over 18, and unless you have ID, I cannot serve you", she announced, in front of the waiting queue.

This Sister could not help but feel a little flattered whilst at the same time being extremely pissed off.

Playing Extra Time ?

2005-11-25T13:26:00.000Z

How very sad that on the very first day of 24 hour licensing that Companion Sister George Best of football fame has snuffed it before being able to make use of extra drinking time.

Unfair I say.

I hear that he has promised his organs - yes all of them - for human donation so that others may live. Well, I'm not sure about you but I think I'll pass on this occasion. My liver, such as it is, functions remarkably well in spite of constant abuse. My other organ was working very well when it was last tested some time during mid 2004.

Perhaps I should send myself in for a servicing.

Braveheart

2005-10-13T19:04:00.000+01:00

Well it is good to see that the SOFC guestbook has been so highly welcomed by our many companion sisters.

Oh go on PLEEEASE - we are beginning to lose the will to live. Be brave sign the bloody thing. The Sister Youth is positively distraught of emotion.

See you at IHQ

Martyr x

Gay Divorcee

2005-10-06T21:48:00.000+01:00

Be it known throughout the Fraternity that in celebration of the occasion of the first anniversary of my most recent divorce, this Sister shall present herself at IHQ on the evening of Friday (& probably Saturday) 7th & 8th October for pleasure of imbibation.

Those Sisters wishing to join her should ensure an adequate supply of beer tickets are available in accordance with the Memorandum of MisUnderstanding (7.3).

Effigies of the Bognorian will not be burned on this occasion so please leave these behind and save for Bonfire Night celebrations.

Given the length of my celibacy, I am now encouraging suitors to complete the SOFC application for marriage form and send to the Inner Sanctum for short-listing.

Yours expectantly,

Martyr x x

It wasn't the cough that carried her off.....

2005-09-28T00:33:00.000+01:00

So there I was wired up to the most learned of physician's ECG monitor and with an armful of blood ungraciously removed, (by a unpretty nurse with a look of Dracula's housemaid about her), when I suddenly realised that this heart attack I was, without doubt, suffering was all a subject of my imagination.

I am left with, for my abundant pains, two somewhat circular shaved patches on my chest and a wallet short of something over six quid for the prescribed medication I am now ordered to swallow. At least I will sleep tonightI thought. But the fraternal canine had other ideas!

So after a restless night and a visit to the dog doctor we now establish that Stella the FC is suffering with Kennell Cough and I have an ulcer to end all ulcers.

Either way I am not, this night, in good spirits as in error I have taken the medication for the FC and she has taken that prescribed for me! On phoning NHS Direct for advice on the matter I was not taken seriously it seems and great laughter and obvious pleasure at my plight was heard via telephonic means.

Anyhow I am now enjoying a cold wet nose and glossy coat and the FC is still coughing soundly.

It surely can't be happening to me. I'm a Sister get me out of here!!!!!

Sisterly Quotes of the Day

2005-09-27T10:11:00.000+01:00

"Lord help the mister who comes between me and my Sister. And Lord help the Sister who comes between me and my man." - Irving Berlin

"If in doubt, shag it." - Mother Superior of Ming

Sompting Pride

2005-09-04T12:05:00.000+01:00

Click here for photographs from the hugely successful 1st Annual Sompting Pride

After Pride Partay !!

2005-09-04T11:16:00.000+01:00

Following the recent festivities at Sompting Pride. The Sister Martyr would like to announce that a beer-a-thon shall take place in the not too distant future to help consume an over-stocked Wendy House bar.

Obviously, livers will be given time to recover from yesterdays event and all Sisters are reminded that Pepto-Bimal is a most satisfying remedy for dicky-liver disease.

With apologies for anything I can't yet remember,

Yours with heavy head

Martyr X X X

999 Fancy Dress Karaoke

2005-08-28T13:52:00.000+01:00

Photos from 999 Fancy Dress Karaoke are now online here

SOMPTING PRIDE

2005-08-20T12:20:00.000+01:00

FINALLY ………. That long awaited event of the year…… Sompting Pride has been announced. This prestigious occasion will be held on Saturday 3rd September at The Convent of Our Lady of Upper Sompting and Sisters, old, new and worn out are expected to flock to the event in their dozens.

There is much to look forward to on the programme including :-

Dancing in the Wendy House
Sipping Champagne by candlelight
Dangling toes and other extremities in the Lake
Sister Martyr’s Pantry (Burnt BBQ fare - yummy)
Playing with the Fraternal Canine
Committal Ceremony - The Rev. Sister Martyr Presiding, (Only if enough Holy water is available)

The event scheduled to start around 4pm will no doubt last long into the night and the local Parish Council are expecting temporary residents to be found asleep under trees, in outbuildings and under park benches. Extra covert Policing has been arranged and First Aid Facilities will be provided by Mother Superior of Ming’s Medicine Chest.

So what are you waiting for ? Get that crate of beer organised and join the Sisters at this years…..Sompting Pride

Ming Mugged Mercilessly in the Bushes ?

2005-08-10T19:40:00.000+01:00

Rumour has it that the Venerable Abbess, The Mother Superior of Ming was this very week seen lurking in certain bushes of the Lower Wick variety. One could ask of her purpose there? Was she on a stake out? A secret undercover mission? (After all, we have it on a certain authority that Her Majesty’s Official Secrets Act has been duly signed by our biggest Sister). Who knows, but Sisters have seen first hand the suffering such a covert operation has caused and our sympathy is bestowed on her in her hour of need. Perhaps she should take more water with it.

And in other news, we should mention the recent Knicker Unfastening of The Sister of Eternal Youth and subsequent ‘walking-out’ with a Novice of Mancunian descent. The best wishes of the Fraternity are without doubt forthcoming in said liasion and in our joyfulness remind our Sister of the sub motto of our Order ‘Caveat Emptor’ or failing that ‘ Shag Soundly’.

Furthermore, we understand from reliable sources that the Sister Mishap has also cemented relations with Her Majesty’s Constabulary and in so discovered that it is not just collars that are felt.

And that is all we have time for from the news desk of the SOFC for now but join us again next week for the next thrilling instalment.

Caught Out

2005-07-30T14:12:00.000+01:00

A certain Dame of Lovliness, and organiser of the upcoming 1st annual Sompting Pride, clearly giving no regard to the hips prior to her hostessing the event of the century...

Not Wishing to Be Catty ........

2005-07-19T18:34:00.000+01:00

So it appears that this Sister was not mistaken after all. A large cat thought to be a Lynx has been spotted in the Worthing area. Described as being as big as a dog the feline has been terrorising local doggy residents.

And you all accused me of being drunk!!!! Shame on you all. When have you ever known me to be intoxicated at such an early hour?

From the pen of a most satisfied Martyr (and as smug as could be).

Guided tours of Puma Park available upon request

## All Sisters Bulletin ##

2005-07-13T19:48:00.000+01:00

Fraternal Greetings to you all,

Some photographs of the recent Fraternal excursion to San Francisco pride are now available for viewing in the Sisters' Flickr Gallery.
Many more pictures are waiting for upload soon, however, at the time of writing this Sister has been summoned to downtown LA for an audience with our most venerable abess, Mother Superior of Ming.

The Order's bowling team, SOFC, under the watchful direction of Sister Mishap, has now been playing for several weeks at Worthing Bowl.
The teams position within the league can be viewed here. It should be reminded that the Sisters are there to look stunning and spread the Fraternal word, and not to win (as the latter is very unlikely anyway). Hence their rather low position on the table. A Fraternal team strip is currently in development.

The Sisters' Annual General Meeting is to be arranged, and an All Sister's Bulletin shall be published soon accordingly.

Yours,

Youth x

07/07/05

2005-07-07T22:30:00.000+01:00

If cities are surrounded by high walls against invaders, that's a sign that the people are weak and afraid. It's when you see a city without walls, that you know the people who live there are strong.

A story in pictures...

Read also, a first-hand account of surviving a terrorist attack.

Sisterly Endeavours

2005-06-26T23:46:00.000+01:00

Greetings from downtown San Fran, from those D of L's Youth and Martyr on this day of 2005 San Francisco Pride.
We are pleased to report that the working party from the Inner Sanctum, (sent here to establish a sisterly presence) hereby make the following official observations:

1) No. International Incidents^TM: 3
2) No. Knicker Unfastenings:
Sister Youth: Nil
Sister Martyr: Nil
3) No. Id's Requested:
Sister Youth: Approx. 30
Sister Martyr: 1
4)No. Musicals Attended: 1
5)No. Bars attended: Approx 142
6) No. Criminal Offences (by way of J-Walking incidents):
Sister Youth: Nil
Sister Martyr: Approx. 200
7) Reports to our most venerable abbess The Mother Superior of Ming: 1

We continue to carry out the work of our Distinguished Order with due dilligence and imbibe in a manner befitting of all Sisters everywhere

The future of Bognor Regis

2005-06-20T18:12:00.000+01:00

The British Government has just given the French authorities permission to use Bognor Regis as its new nuclear testing ground. A move that will curb the world's concerns about French nuclear testing in non-important areas of the world.

NATO is reported to have approved the move for environmental and humanitarian reasons.

It has been estimated that a twenty megaton nuclear detonation directly above Safeways will result in the utter obliteration of every free-standing structure in the town and its environs.

The operation has been calculated to the smallest detail by Bognor Town Planners. Loudspeaker vans will begin announcing the event some twenty minutes before the moment of destruction, cunningly forgetting to go down Canada Grove. This will give the good people of Bognor plenty of time to reach a safe distance from ground-zero.

After the explosion, work will begin immediately on the new town centre. The exciting project includes plans for a pedestrian-only shopping precinct, surrounded by a three-lane ring road. In addition to this, a large bandstand and commemorative fountain will be built in the centre of the main square.

There will of course be an excellent range of shoe shops and discount novelty emporiums.

Visit the site

2005-06-13T22:21:00.000+01:00

Those D of L's The Most Venerable Reverand Martyr and Cardinal Youth of The Order of Fraternal Cruising:

Rachel gets fruity!

2005-06-13T18:33:00.000+01:00

Here's one for the sisters!!!

From the Sisters Medical Department

2005-06-11T10:14:00.000+01:00

That new disease YOUTH invented at GZ, (See comments previous posting) Sclerosis of the liver ??? I think he means CIRRHOSIS of the liver. I'm not being a picky Sister but we do like to get things right at the Convent of Upper Sompting. So consider yourself edu-ma-cated.

SCLEROSIS - A hardening (As in hardening of the myelin sheath in MS) I suppose you could have a sclerotic knob but that is usually refered to as PRIAPRISM.

CIRRHOSIS - From the Greek meaning orange. Refers to atrophy in an organ. (Atrophy = wasting) Have you got an orange wasted one? I hope not.

Your loving (and not a little concerned) Sister

Martyr x

All Sisters Bulletin

2005-06-11T08:28:00.000+01:00

From Mother Superior of Ming via electronic means:

Regrets to all,

Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances , as in being stuck in the middle of the Atlantic, will unfortunately be unable to attend the afore mentioned gathering of the Sisters at International HQ.
Please send fondest regards and regrets for my absence.
Will give everyone a ring on arrival Lisbon, Wednesday.

Mother S of Ming. DL.

In other Sisterly news, this most established website now benefits from a Bravenet Guestmap.
Companion Sisters and Dames of Loveliness alike are encouraged to click and leave their own blasphemy

Rumour has it that --------

2005-06-10T00:31:00.000+01:00

Her of the apparent Youthfulness, (Who does she think she is kidding), has belittled herself by attending a common Bognorian Establishment for the purpose of knicker disposing.

I say no more but condem such act as well outside this honourable and just Order and demand a certain penance forthwith.

No quantity of beer shall suffice..............

A report to our MSofM shall by telegraphic means follow........

ASB==ASB==ASB==ASB==ASB--ASB==ASB==ASB

From the pen of a Martyr

2005-05-30T12:46:00.000+01:00

It seems that following Mother Superior’s failed attempt to be elected pontiff of the Church of all things Roman, the aforementioned establishment has accepted it’s error of judgement and is now desperately searching for Priests throughout our green and pleasant land.

To be sure of catching the eye of MsofM they have even resorted to taking our advertising space on beer mats! Whatever next I ask myself? Perhaps they should consider a full page Ad in Boyz or G Scene.

Personally I shall decline the offer of an interview with Bishop Murphy O’Connor (or whatever her name is). The vows of chastity, obedience and poverty are a little too much for a white woman to bear. (Having said that I have been chaste* for some while now and am working on the poverty bit - but obedient - forget it Sister).
But if you fancy a job where you only have to work one day a week, get to drink on duty, get a free house thrown in and be completely exempt from equal opportunities legislation apply today!!

Yours

Martyr x x

*(Open to offers for un-chasting - apply by electronic means or in person at IHQ).

Adventure in Straight Land?

2005-05-26T19:05:00.000+01:00

It was with some trepidation that I ventured into the land of those unfortunates from Straight Land and my anxiety was to be realised only too quickly as the evening unfolded.

Palones wearing little but their mothers’ smile amassed like fickle fish in mating waters. Boys wearing slightly more make-up and definitely greater gaiety in their sense of dress, poured through the doors with fish hooks attached to their loins.

The beer was ice cold and tasteless and cost nearly twice as much as a decent pint of England’s finest and they queued fiercely to purchase gallons of the muck.

The language was foreign to me also with dropped H’s and missing T’s - ladies and gentlemen of quality I doubted. (I’ll ‘ave one arry wiv ya - nah vodka and red bull init).

I don’t think too much damage was done to my inner ear canal although it was some hours before I regained normal audio. My liver suffered less than on most Saturday nights, perhaps because I was not used to the fizzy muck I was compelled to drink and I was horrified to think I might wake up beside one of the beasts the following day. Well you hear all these rumours about date rape drugs you know! A Sister has to be so careful under such circumstances.

However I must recommend the experience as I shall never again see straight men in quite the same light. Very odd - all very odd indeed.

Your humble Sister

Martyr x

2005-05-03T20:55:00.000+01:00

So it seems there may be a chance for the Sisters after all

## A S B ## The Mother Superior of Ming

2005-04-30T21:57:00.000+01:00

Greetings dear Sisters from downtown Bermuda Waterside, where this evening I imbibe with Sisters of Sailing (deck dept), and await my anchor away in a manner beffiting a Sister of our most distinguished Order.

I pledge to you my felicitations and assurance that I remain your Abbess in Absentia until I return to the shores of all that is Great Britain. Do not what I would do, but do what I would expect of you in my absence to ensure that the 'Goss is plentiful on my return in high summer.

With great stirings of emotions in my loins,

Your obiedient Mother,

Ming x x

(Dictated and signed in her absence by a lesser Sis)

2005-04-26T22:58:00.000+01:00

To my dear wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
table............

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation,although with one small difference.

Eighteen goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

Perish the thought ........

2005-04-22T16:12:00.000+01:00

Man has permanent erection

A Czech prisoner locked up on theft charges has been freed and allowed to go back home to his wife after getting a permanent erection.

The 37-year-old man was serving a six month sentence in Plzen jail in the southwest of the country - and woke wardens in the early hours of the morning complaining he had an erection that would not go away.

He told staff it was extremely painful and after prison doctors called to examine the erect member were unable to help, the man had to be taken to a specialist hospital in Prague where surgeons were forced to operate to treat the problem.

They said the man had been suffering from a rare condition known as priapism in which blood becomes trapped in the penis during an erection and can only be treated through immediate surgery, local daily Pravo reported.

After surgery however the man was allowed to go home where medical experts said he would be better off being cared for by his wife than in the prison hospital.

Martyr says........

I know a certain Bognorian who would kill for such a disablement.

:-)

Current Affairs

2005-04-08T12:00:00.000+01:00

We cannot let a week such as this pass without official comment from the Inner Sanctum.

And what a week it has been, firstly with the passing of the head of all Romans, His Holiness the Pope and now the impending nuptuals of the wedding of the year.

Yes, Ken & Deirdre Barlow are getting married tonight for the second time. Millions are expected to tune in to see the events unfold, the pagentry and the romance. And romance it seems, is catching, as within the Inner Sanctum, whilst I am forbidden to share with you the details, a senior member of the fraternity may also be contemplating his nuptuals. A brace of 'dates' have occurred so I guess it is only a matter of time before the Banns are read. Further gossip about this may be gained at IHQ over the coming weekend.

And do we also expect to see white puffs of smoke emanating from the chimney of the convent of Upper Wick over the coming days? I hear on the grape-vine that our Mother Superior of Ming has put himself forward for consideration to be the new holy father. Well, he certainly gets my vote, I gather he is going to have a monumental shake up of everything papal and far from outlawing homosexulaity is planning to make it compulsory. Also the law on abortion will be changed to actively discourage reproduction between all persons Bognorian.

And whilst those other two newly-weds are on their knees bewailing forgiveness for their mortal sins-of-the-flesh, sisters everywhere will join them this weekend on bended kness for quite different reasons.

A week to be etched into the History Books forever.

The Venerable Reserve of MSofMing

2005-03-31T23:31:00.000+01:00

And so with some bewilderment and horror I must report to all sisters an urgent ASB (ALL SISTERS BULLETIN). For this very night, and I lie not, that most unholy of Sisters, the Mother Superior of Ming, declined an invitation, (in my own presence and before my own eyes and furthermore without intoxication), a BJ in the cottage of our well established IHQ.

The excuse you see was the fact that the young, if a little ginger, Sister-in-waiting was COD from CRAWLEY. However it was with some pride that I witnessed this rebuke to one of lesser years from another of great experience. I naturally suggested, in MSofMing established fashion, that Her Most Unholiness should SHAG IT ---- but only to protestations of utter horror of such an example to the Sisterhood.

All Sisters old and new should take the example of this extreme behaviour of our beloved Mother Superior of Ming and get down on their knees and beg forgiveness of yet undisclosed fornications.

Or, on the other hand they could share their experiences with their Sisters.

The Sister Martyr DL NGNN (Not Getting None Neither)

Fraternal jovelity

2005-03-31T22:28:00.000+01:00

posted by

Leak

2005-03-24T18:26:00.000Z

It seems there is an informer amongst the Inner Sanctum.
The true reason for the Sisters' cross-atlantic excursion has been leaked to the press.

When you're as stunning as a sister, it's only a matter of time before you are asked to model your pots for these stunning celebrity dentures.

The informant must be quickly apprehended and submited to Mother Superior of Ming, for a sisterly cleaning...

There was a certain mystery

2005-03-21T21:14:00.000Z

......as the tall dark stranger stood at my door with a look of longing in his trousers and I moistened my lips with a slow motion of my protruding tongue.

"And you" said the stranger, "must be the Sister Martyr".

He undressed me with his eyes as he gently, if not with some determination, pushed me aside the threshold and led me into the awaiting bedchamber.

Suddenly and without a moments hesitation I found myself being licked mercilessly as his hot wet tongue found G spots yet undiscovered. I was moist with anticipation when..........................the alarm clock sprung into action and I awoke with the fraternal canine staring questioningly at my plight.

What a bummer. And the day didn't get much better either.

With Apologies to Mother Superior of Ming

2005-02-21T20:04:00.000Z

There is a certain excitement in the Order this evening as Sisters eagerly await the arrival of their leader and Mentor, The Mother Superior of Ming.

Now it may just be an accident of coincidence or perhaps a cunning plan, but this Sister and her of the Eternal, (who does she think she is kidding), Youth, happen to be leaving the country by the next airplane as Her Unholiness touches down.

Naturally MS of Ming was invited to join we Dames of Loveliness on this excursion but made polite excuses so we travel alone-but for a palone. (Poetry was always my strong point).

I can see through her though. Clearly with we two gorgeous Sisters out of the way, MS of Ming will surely have the advantage to queer the home patch. Oh yes - I can see the logic in her reason. Obvioulsly the competition is too great.

Nevertheless I shall be pleased to attend the homecoming partay of MSofM this very Thursday at IHQ and urge fellow Sisters to prepare the garlands of flowers and rose petals for her imminent return.

Fight the Fraternal Flab

2005-02-08T21:32:00.000Z

Companion Sisters and Dames of Loveliness alike should note that fighting the fraternal flab could be very costly:

On average it costs £7 per lb lost....
That's nearly one whole beer ticket within the Inner Sanctum.
And one beer doesn't gain a whole lb.

There's sort of a bit of logic there.
Did you spot it?

Source: here

Which McFly member would sleep with you?

2005-02-06T21:09:00.000Z

As originally discovered and shamelessly stolen from here, the Sister Youth felt it necessary to take this test:

You scored as Harry. Harry would gladly whack you with his Juddy stick...
he REALLY wAnTz yOuR BaBiEz!!1£^*&%$£*

Which McFly member would sleep with you?
created with QuizFarm.com

On The Wagon

2005-02-02T19:55:00.000Z

Whilst it is this Sisters misfortune to be on a temporary wagon I find I have a little too much time on my hands and thus my fingers have been surfing the world wide web in an effort to cope with annoying cold turkey. But all is not lost I see, because this day I discovered that that worldly acclaimed astronomer the Sister Grant, tells me all will be well. Apparently I have a secret admirer who any moment now is going to pledge his undying lust for me. I quote :

Love is all around you now and someone special has been watching for a sign of your true feelings. Respond with a gesture, a word or a token of your affection and your love-life will go into orbit.

So I am getting ready to "go into orbit". But I am trying hard to think up a suitable gesture or a word or token of my affection. Could be embarrasing if I get it wrong.

I shall sue of course, if it proves to be a load of bullshit. In the meanwhile any suggestions to a suitable gesture gratefully received.

Yours with impatience in my knickers,

Martyr x

BOGNOR HURRICANE APPEAL

2005-01-23T16:07:00.000Z

A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Bognor Regis, West Sussex. Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "faaackin ell" ...
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Bognor FM (Local Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Bognor.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Claret - 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "Bersted" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

The Sisters Pitt

2005-01-14T13:39:00.000Z

Be advised that those Sisters of most musical Substance (The Pitt Sisters), shall be 'swinging' (by command of the Inner Sanctum), LIVE at International HQ this very Saturday night.

Those foolish enough to miss such a entertainment extravaganza and the company of many Sisters of our most venerable order should hold their heads in shame.

We look forward to welcoming friends old and new but will miss the Mother Superior of Ming who is still circum-navigating the pole.

Articles of (Dis) Association

2005-01-10T22:49:00.000Z

The sisters' articles of (Dis) Association are now available for viewing here.

May your life be forever enriched for the reading experience.

Notification of Meeting

2005-01-01T14:13:00.000Z

Notice is hereby given that an emergency general meeting of the Inner Sanctum, as called by the most fraternal Sister Martyr DL, shall occur at International Headquarters at 16:00 today.

Alcoholic beverage shall be made freely available to all present.

Mother Superior's New Years' Address:

2004-12-31T19:54:00.000Z

The following address from our Abbess, the Mother Superior of Ming, has arrived at the desk of the convent of the Sister Youth, via electronically satellite-broadcast means:

"No Christmas message? But here's a new years' one. All the very best to all the Sisters. I trust you are all out on the screaming lash tonight! Well so much for calm seas and sunshine as I thought, wrong! We are about as far away from the UK as you can get. Down at the bottom of the world. Antarctica, it's summer down here so plenty of sun, but so cold you would not believe. We have had gale force winds for most of the time so the ship has been jumping about all over the place. Tonight is a fancy dress pissup in the bar. We are four hours ahead of you so new years' eve for us is at eight o' clock your time, so if you are at IHQ have a toast for us down here."

The full contents of this address have been forwarded to the members of the Inner Sanctum

The Sister Martyr ills

2004-12-31T14:05:00.000Z

Given that Sisters were celebrating that momentous birthday of the Sister Youth last evening, I have to admit I feel a little worse for wear. Whether it was the glass of 'house white' I had with my meal or perhaps it was the twelve pints of England's finest ale consumed before and afterwards. Notwithstanding copious amounts of water consumed during the last five hours and a handful of analgesics, my head still feels numbed and my guts are groaning constantly. Oh what a miserable wretch I am this day.

However, I believe The Sister of Eternal Youth, (who does she think she's kidding), had an enjoyable birthday and has rallied remarkably well this morning. I hate her with a passion.

Anyhoo that's another year put to bed. I shall be spending this night with The Sisters Harold & Hilda and my blessed Mother and I am sure we shall raise a glass to absent friends come the hour of Midnight. (Mine may contain only water at this rate).

So in closing, although my fellow Sisters have tried earnestly to finish me off during 2004, I have made it through and look forward to further adventures and excitment during 2005.

With my best wishes for a very Happy New Year

The Sister Martyr DL
x x x

A Christmas Message

2004-12-22T18:23:00.000Z

What with it being the festive season of goodwill and all the rest, those Dames of Lovliness of the Inner Sanctum would like to extend their finest Christmas wishes to all 3 of their loyal website readers, and their Companion-in-absentia sisters across the globe.

Sadly, due to her unfortunate absence this year, the 3PM Christmas Address of our Abbess and ChairSister, the Mother Superior of Ming, shall not be broadcast from the Public House on Christmas Day. The sisters recommend you view Marge Simpson's alternative christmas message instead.

The D of L's leave you with their christmas wishes:

Peace on Earth
Goodwill to all ~~men~~ sisters
And plenty of moments of imbitation for themselves...

Caught out

2004-12-13T22:43:00.000Z

This image has been discovered on the internet:

Quite clearly showing a certain unmentionable sister stood suspiciously at a bar in the background -
Up to no good, I'll be bound...

Notification of Sisterly Gathering

2004-12-11T17:10:00.000Z

Compania-in-absentia sisters may meet members of the Inner Sanctum this evening at:

The Green Man,
Euston Road,
LONDON (opposite Gt. Portland Street Tube Station)

for the Webloggers end of year party

Those most fraternal Dames of Loveliness the Sisters Martyr & Youth shall be in attendance...

Notification of Cleaning

2004-12-11T10:48:00.000Z

A sisterly cleaning is due to our Abess, the Mother Superior of Ming, whom, while on the scene in downtown Port Elizabeth yesterday evening, decided that a bar full of 18 / 19 year old surfers was COD, and promptly returned to her hotel room...

Sisterly Tip Of The Day

2004-12-10T07:43:00.000Z

Fight the festive fraternal flab with this series of tasty Weight Watchers recipies
Once read, be sure to take this quiz to find out which weight watchers card you are

The Sister Youth is:

You are Rosy Perfection Salad!! Though your name
may be innocent and cheerful, your jello-sweet
exterior hides a foul, sinister core.

What Weight Watchers recipe card from 1974 are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Notice of Meeting

2004-12-05T10:18:00.000Z

Notice is hereby given that a meeting of the Inner Sanctum shall be held this evening Sunday, 5th December at International Headquarters. Our Abbess The Mother Superior of Ming shall take the chair (or bar stool).

AGENDA

Apologies for absence
Matters arising from the last meeting
Promotions within the order : The Sisters Lord & Lady Somerfield
Application for change of name - The Sisters Somerfield
Chair Sister's Address (Listen very carefully)
Any other business (or gossip)
Date & Venue of Next Meeting

Persons wishing to make application to join the Order may do so in person at IHQ this evening. Novices should make themselves known to the Chair-Sister and be prepared to kiss the Ring of Ming.

:: spit :: Bognor Regis :: spit ::

2004-12-01T21:39:00.000Z

The Sister Youth has come across these plans for the regeneration of :: spit :: Bognor Regis.

Click here to see plans for the future of :: spit :: Bognor.

I think this sister can say in all fairness that these plans will recieve the full support of the inner sanctum.
It may also relieve the need for an amendment to the Articles of (Dis)Association, prohibiting any sister whilst carrying out their fraternal duty to cross the border to said ~~fun packed seaside resort~~ dumping ground.

And once read, I encourage my companion sisters to read these letters in order to truly appreciate what a fine town :: spit :: Bognor actually is...

Tooth Fairy ?

2004-12-01T17:09:00.000Z

Life really isn't fair! Having spent all last weekend on the wagon, (due to both fraternal and other less fortunate business) , I find myself once again in a situation of abstinence.

I thought you see, that it would be a terribly good idea to get my pots looked at as it has been some ten years since I last visited the dentist and I managed with great courage to make an appointment for 3pm of the yesterday.

"Your teeth Sister Martyr are quite fine all things considered" said the dentist with a gleam in his eye, "but your gums need to come out".

Okay, it's an old one but strangely true on this occasion. Apparently I have a gum infection which is causing me to bleed more than a little when I scrub the pots. Treatment - five days worth of little white pills. You've guessed it antibiotics and horror of horrors I am forbidden to drink with them! Not even a little noggin.

I am gutted. My liver has gone into overdrive and I have not slept a wink since. I may have lovely pots but I have the temper of a horse just about to be gelded.

I am advised however that I can cease taking them if I see an improvement in a day or so and that I do not have to finish the course as one would normally. I am willing my gums to behave therefore so that I can return to IHQ at the weekend for a well earned pint of the finest English Ale.

I didn't even get a balloon !

Up Pompey (Right Bloody Up)

2004-11-28T09:50:00.000Z

In the interest of not becoming stale and sharing ourselves more freely with an unsuspecting world, the Inner Sanctum yesterday decided with some wisdom to visit the home of the Royal Navy and give our Fraternal Blessing to historic Portsmouth.

All four Dames of Loveliness were in attendance, including Sister Youth who was completely dressed from head to foot in new drag purchased only that day from the same city and looking, (if I might be so bold), even more like an oven ready chicken than usual. (We missed the Sister Dimples with sadness as she had a pressing engagement at IHQ but we managed to console Sister Bedsheets nevertheless).

The outing started well enough - we found a car parking space without any arguements or dramas but from there sadly things started to slide downhill.

Firstly, we had the usual unanimous indecision about where we should eat. Either the Restaurant was too busy, full of Hen Parties, empty, or it was cod. So we wandered for a while around an area of the city called Gunwharf Quays with the Sister Bedsheets getting chilled to the bone dressed only in her luxury blouse and showing nipples like organ stops from beneath same.

Finally, a decision made we were turned away from choices 1 and 2 as they were far too busy to accommodate the Sisters! (No Brownie points scored at either). So as much by chance and misfortune we finally found a table at "Frankie & Benny's" if for no other reason than to fend off hypoglycaemia.

Eating at "Frankie & Benny's" is like eating your meal in a busy airport departure lounge, lacks character, is noisy and the food ain't special either. However as we were seated very close to the door we were able to window shop at reasonable leisure whilst we waited to be served by a fairly friendly palone. Speaking personally, this Sister shall never again lower herself to enter such an establishment. (NOCD).

Moving on we attended a family run public house called the Old Vic where to my delight they had Old English Ale, albeit Greene King IPA, and Stella Artois for my less fussy Sisters. Unfortunately the place was all but empty and could hardly be described as 'jumping'. So with the evening running away we left...........foolishly.

Our next stop was Martha's. What a crappy old dump that turned out to be. I think Mother Superior of Ming summed it up nicely when she described it like being stuck in a fish tank. The place was full of them. Now we must emphasise that all Sisters are completely undiscriminating and really very nice people, (including myself - not a nasty bone), but Martha's tried our patience just a little too far. Made worse for me on this occasion as I was the Fraternal Driver and unable to partake in the liquid alcohol so necessary in such an establishment. We won't be calling there again this side of Kingdom Come.

I was no a little concerned to note that The Sister Bedsheets left half a pint of Stella on the bar as we left. What's more she was completely sober. I think that just about summed up the whole evening.

Still, the company was, as always, thrilling and we all returned to our convents safely, where many of us immediately opened the "In Case Of Emergency Bottle".

Never mind.......The sisters are not beaten.......There's always next week!!

Yours fraternally,

Martyr x x x

Yes, but what I'm saying is...

2004-11-23T21:32:00.000Z

2004-11-23T21:12:00.000Z

This entry has been posted at the request of our most venerable companion sister, Sister Jade.
(Her of the obsessive chain e-mail readership). Not quite sure whether she is casting aspersions on the Sister's ages or not.

Do you feel old?

According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no child-proof lids on
medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent ’spokey dokey’s’ on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing..

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. (Doc leaves..)

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded. We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.

No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!
We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no lawsuits. We had full on fistfights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played knock-on-the-door-and-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us. We walked to friends’ homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn’t rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of…They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you’re one of them.
Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren’t old enough thought you might like to read about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening, and it might put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986.
They are called youth.
They have never heard of “We are the World", “We are the children", and the Uptown Girl they know is by West life not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD’s have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can’t imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie’s Angels and Mission Impossible are Films from last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They’ll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red-Hand Gang, the Famous Five, or He-man and She-ra!
They’ll never have applied to be on “Jim’ll Fix It” or “Why Don’t
You".
They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let’s check if we’re getting old…
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in East-Enders the first time
around..
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too…

Greetings from Espaina

2004-11-12T13:59:00.000Z

Apparently I am ón the pull´in Torremolinos tonight. The Mother Superior of Ming and The Sister Youth are trying their level best to get me drunk, so far without success. So with that in mind we the three sisters of the inner sanctum, At least those allowed to run riot are now partaying in good ole Spain with a bottle or two of Sister San Miguel.

We send our heartfelt love and bestest wishes Martyr, Youth and Superior x x x x

Sisters of Spuds

2004-11-06T17:16:00.000Z

Does My Bum Look Big In This ?

2004-11-02T16:06:00.000Z

So it has finally happened and I am devastated! I am shortly to be addressing a Rotary Club dinner and have just spent the last half hour desperately trying to find something that fits my ample proportions from my exquisite wardrobe.

All those frocks and not a single one!!!!!!! It would appear my wardrobe must be damp because evreything has shrunk......everything. I am at a loss what to do. Should I attend 'Al Fresco' surely not.

This could only happen to me and just two hours to go, (yes they are eating really early) , and I sit here in my birthday suit and nothing but a frown.

Mother warned me about a thing she calls "Middle Aged Spread" so I've always used full fat butter instead. And I am far too young for the other type.

The only alternative is for me to go on a crash diet I suppose - I simply can't afford a whole new wardrobe.

I implore you Sisters, your advice for suggestions in my plight are urgently needed. I've only an hour and three quarters left. An urgent collection in my benefit may help?

Yours with a heavy bottom,

Martyr x

Halloween

2004-10-31T16:07:00.000Z

The Sister's photographs from their Halloween Ball at International Headquarters are now available for viewing in the gallery.

The Hobbit

2004-10-28T16:39:00.000+01:00

Okay so apparently they've found a 'Common Human Hobbit' on a remote Indonesian island. I really can't see what all the fuss is about frankly. You have only got to travel a few miles from here to that arm-pit of the universe known as Bognor Regis and the place is packed with them.

Apparently this newly found Hobbit is just three feet tall, hairy, quite plump and very ugly. It lives off of rats that are the size of dogs and mummurs to it's fellows in hushed unitellectual tones.

I rest my case a Bognorian! These so called scientists should wake up to reality and get down to Bognor where the true monsters live.

I could point them in the direction of one or two very common examples if they care to get in touch.

Googled

2004-10-24T16:41:00.000+01:00

Seems that this site of our most venerable order is taking some interesting Google referals at the moment:
All from the word Shag.

A Google search for 'Shag' returns this result:

Fraternal-Sisters.org.uk: Shag Piled!!
... Shag Piled!! ... A bigger shag they'd not seen in a long while and they puffed as they carried their blessed cargo on muscled backs into the sacred chamber. ...

One may read this outake and assume what they will.
Or, they may read the entire story here...

Personally, this Sister places the blame squarely on the shoulders of Sister Martyr. Allowing Google to cast aspersions on the members of this most accomplished order.

In the meanwhile, all one can say is NOCD....

Sisters' Chariot

2004-10-20T19:49:00.000+01:00

Following the impromptou breakdown of the chariot of our abess, the Mother Superior of Ming, the Sister Youth wishes to point out that our most venerable companion sister, Hyacinth Bucket, also drives a similar Rover.

Though it should be noted that the Inner Sanctum's Rovers are, of course, newer models...

Novices wishing to be considered for admittance to this most venerable Order as Companion Sisters are encouraged to take Hyacinth's Queen's English test here...

REWARD !!!!!

2004-10-19T18:56:00.000+01:00

Let it be known throughout the fraternity that a knicker theft has occurred at the Convent of Our Lady of Upper Sompting.

Any person having information of the current location of said knickers leading to the arrest of the person or persons responsible will be suitably rewarded.

In the meanwhile commandos may seek sanctuary at the above convent.

Most ventilatingly yours ...........

Martyr x x

Decree Absolute

2004-10-12T20:28:00.000+01:00

IT is hereby decreed that those members of the Most Venerable Order of the Sisters of Fraternal Cruising (named below) seek divorce from one another with immediate effect.

The Sister Martyr DL

The Sister Abstemious

The former being of sound mind and judgment and finally coming to her senses divorces the latter on the grounds of ignorant git-headedness.

In accordance with the Memorandum of MisUnderstanding of this fraternal order, notice is given that the Sister Martyr will present herself at International HQ in the evening of Wednesday, 13th October for a momentary sadness followed by several minutes of imbibation. Those Sisters wishing to join her will be most welcome.

An application to withdraw The Sister Abstemious from the role of the Order will be made to the inner sanctum at the next meeting.

Long Live the Fraternity ! ! And Bugger Bognor ! !

Cleaning of Sister Martyr

2004-10-09T13:10:00.000+01:00

## International Distress Signal ##

As typed from a most venerable Internet Cafe in downtown Southampton:

Mother Superior requests the cleaning of Sister Martyr for failing to have her telephone switched on when the Sister's may be in distress...

The Southampton sisters wish to arrange some outings for this most accomplished order for tomorrow and following Sunday...

Posted by Mother Superior of Ming in Southampton

Impromptu Outing

2004-10-08T18:59:00.000+01:00

The Sister Youth and the Mother Superior of Ming are about to depart to the most venerable city that is Southampton, for an evening of intense committee discussions.

Sobriety will, as matter of course, be maintained throughout.

The Sisters regret that the rest of the fraternity will be unable to join them on this evening

Please leave your message after the tone.......

2004-10-06T17:40:00.000+01:00

My week is not getting any better. I have just walked the Fraternal Canine around the block so that she can relieve herself of the contents of her lower bowel. This function performed three times daily is not normally a subject I would share with you but this evening the shit really did hit the fan.

As usual I am 'on-call' and my workplace mobile telephone was in my top pocket of my rather fetching top coat. In bending over, with hand protected in plastic bag, (God Bless you Sister Sainsbury), my mobile telephone slipped gracefully out of said pocket and disappeared into an awaiting drain with a distinct plop. I have since discovered that it is workplace policy not to insure these items as it is false economy. Oh won't I be a popular Sister in the morrow.

The day was not all bad however...............Norman's mate rang me this morning it seems the drama of yesterday's shag pile has been solved. A new day has been set for Fitter & Friend and I shall be laid by Friday. Hooray !!!!!!

In addition I had a brief visitation from Sister Bedsheets and Mother Superior of Ming today at my offices in Downtown Worthing. The offer of joining them at IHQ was most generous but sadly I had to return to my toils. I will of course be present at "Thursday Meeting" tomorrow.

Until then keep a tight grip on your Nokia. Much Love, Martyr x x x x

Shag Piled!!

2004-10-05T19:01:00.000+01:00

Bugger! Bugger, Bugger, Bugger, Bugger. And a Sod it for good measure.

Two nice men from a well known carpet showroom near you, today arrived to fit a new premier-super deluxe professional carpet to the sacred chamber of the Convent of Our Lady of Upper Sompting. A bigger shag they'd not seen in a long while and they puffed as they carried their blessed cargo on muscled backs into the sacred chamber. Pectoral majesty was evident during this fine transit and I began to start to calculate the tip.

However, the senior of the two, he with the red strap-on knee protectors, declared in disbelief on close inspection that the premier-super deluxe professional shag was unfit for such a dwelling as there were distinct stains thereon.

This Sister, hence, was not a little pissed off. Having taken yet another day from her toilsome fraternal duty to be present only to discover that there would be no laid shag today. Naturally, being a Sister of this most established and fine order I simply smiled and congratulated both Fitter and Friend on their choice of knee protectors and promptly discharged them together with their premier-super deluxe professional carpet.

Norman is my dedicated Customer Carpet Sales Advisor and he was ever so glad I'd rung. He made several suggestions to overcome my plight and in turn I made several suggestions to dear Norman!

Needless to say there will be no 'Service of Thanks' for the shag-pile just yet. It seems Norman has copped a stropp - I think I may have upset him. And me such an understanding Sister.

Still things did improve this evening. Two of my subordinate staff today had occasion to visit a Brewery at Aylesbury and returned laiden with two quarts of finest Old Enflish Ale for their most respected Guvnor. Kindness itself, it nearly brought a tear to my eye...... and then I remembered, it is coming up to Staff Appraisal time!

Nevertheless I accepted their gift with joyous heart and was promptly advised that the ale should be consumed within four and twenty hours as it may otherwise sour.

Clearly my staff, generous as they may be, know me little.

Martyr x x x

Reward

2004-10-01T09:30:00.000+01:00

Let it be known throughout the whole of the World Wide Web that the Sister of Eternal Youth is hereby offering the very generous sum of two whole english pounds, or a half-measure of a lager based beverage of the submitter's choosing, for information leading to the whereabouts of Sister Bedsheets; whom was suddenly and mysteriously abducted mid-committee from International Headquarters yesterday evening without a word to her fellow Dames of Lovliness....

Suites for my Sweet???

2004-09-30T09:11:00.000+01:00

I am, today, awaiting a man-with-a-van to collect an old three piece suite. I really should be at work but no, here I am waiting patiently. I am quite upset about the whole affair really as I had thought this was going to be collected by the Blood Sister of Sister Abstemious two weeks previously but it never materialised. Furthermore I have not had any communication, electronic, telecommunicable, written or otherwise to tell me why same has not been collected.
Naturally, I have tried in earnest to contact our Sister but without success. Perhaps she has fallen under a bus!

What is worse still and much more upsetting is that this collection service is costing me three and a half beer tickets, (thirty five old English pounds) and half a days annual leave.

Not to worry I will attend International HQ this evening to join Sisters in Meeting and no doubt moan all night about my loss. In the meanwhile if anyone should come across Abstemious give her my fondest regards!

Yours, (with not a nasty bone in my body........)

Martyr x x x